2020...OMG!!! 2020 forced me to slow down! Oh boy, not just a notch slower but brought me to a halt! The years before 2020 were fast-paced- I was habitually on the go...getting things done, travelling, working, socialising, detoxes, wine tastings, reading, meditation and psychedelic retreats, go, go go! Doing, doing, doing! The rat race of Life!
I entered 2020 with excitement and intrigue for my relocation to China in February. I had a plan. I was to fly out of South Africa on 8 February to embark on a new journey (establish a creative career and learn about unfamiliar cultures while continuing self discovery, healing and growth). But the universe had other plans for me. At the end of January, I received news from my employer that they are going into lockdown due to the pandemic. Even though I followed the updates regarding it quite closely, I never thought it would come to South Africa. That, it will come to this! A global pandemic! I never saw the destruction to follow. The significant change in the way we live! Me being stopped from moving ahead.
I am sharing with you my experience and feelings for 2020. The first two and a half months of 2020 were quite joyful for me- I spent most days in the ocean (I was learning to surf) and improving my swimming stamina in an Olympic sized pool. I embraced the Durban heat and humidity. Next I returned to Cape Town to meet my best friend from Germany. I danced. I laughed. I consumed lots of wine. I felt free. I decided to extend my stay and then the lockdown happened. I was staying in an awesome Air B&B where the owner lived on the property and there was another tenant. So, I was not completely alone. However, I did feel intensely.
Just when I thought that I had put my demons to rest, more arose during the first five weeks of
the lockdown. Feelings and emotions that were buried so deep in my psyche that I had forgotten it even happened. My parents were diagnosed with Covid-19 in April. It was the early days. I heard of no other having it. We didn't understand much. Even though I was over 1600km away, I could feel their fear. There were times that I was plagued with anxiety, once I unexpectedly had an anxiety attack. It's been almost ten years since the previous one. Many times I was riddled with fear too.
I had no income. No job. No romantic relationship. No travel. Not living in my purpose as a wayshower (so, I thought at the time) I felt like I lacked purpose. All the things that I desired the most seemed so far. Feeling like I didn't have enough and was not enough. At the time I couldn't comprehend why this was happening. It was hard! There were days that I didn't see any point in continuing. But these triggers were my guide. So, I did what I know best (what I learned in the past ten years), I went deep within to find the strength, courage and guidance to navigate this period. I prioritised my inner work. I focussed on the following methods,tools, which were my lifesaver:
1. I felt what I was feeling. I did not push it away and tried to feel strong. I came eye to eye with my demons. I accepted them as part of me. I uncontrollably cried - the purging. I journaled. I burnt away (put down my emotions on paper and burned it) what no longer served me.
2. I returned to an old friend who has never failed me- my gratitude journal, where I wrote and felt thankfulness for simple day to day things in my life.
3. I meditated. I connected to my family of light where I felt their unconditional love. I felt supported.
4. I forgave myself - "I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you." I did Ho'oponopono guided meditations.
5. I reached out to friends (phone and video calls- good emotional connection). As human beings we all need love and care, not just from within but from others too. After all, it is our human aspect.
6. I wrote down all the things that I want to feel and experience in my life- like a manifestation journal.
7. Affirmations- "I am enough and worthy" "I am enough and worthy" "I am enough and worthy" "I am enough and worthy"...yes, I said it thousands of times and wrote it with lipstick on the bedroom and bathroom window, to replace harsh negative words in my inner dialogue.
8. With each conscious breath I felt the rise and fall of my chest, feeling the density of my body, but at the same time connected to the cosmos...knowing that I am more than this body! I practised breathwork by having an ice cold shower at the end of a warm/ hot shower. I began with 15 seconds and worked my way up to 90 seconds over eight weeks.
9. The pandemic made me sad but taught me to choose love over fear and how to be more compassionate.
10. There were many times that I felt trapped and angry. Gently I reminded myself to come back to the present moment or I wrote things on paper that I was grateful for or I whispered to myself, "The universe supports me". I learned to surrender more to the flow of life.
In hindsight, I had to slow down. I had to rest. Yes, there were many days where I slept all through the day. I listened and honoured my body. I had to heal the deeply wounded fragments stuck in me. As this cleared, I was making space for the new. I was connecting to a different dimension. Learning to trust my intuition more.
The highlights of 2020, What I am proud of:
1. Lived almost an entire year without an income and a life plan- the universe took care of me. I learned to have unwavering faith and live more in the present moment.
2. Managed to live in Cape Town for almost 8 months- I love the energy of this city.
3. Joined Tiktok- a creative way to express me and found inspiration there. Plus, I got to live more in my purpose.
4. I joined a dating app for the first time. This was an unfamiliar experience for me. I was terrified of rejection at first but somehow worked through it which gained me a very good lifetime friend.
5. I don't need to go external of myself to obtain my answers. Everything is within. I feel validated from within. I learned to trust myself a bit more.
6. I am loved and supported by family, friends and my family of light.
7. I am ENOUGH! I am WORTHY!
8. Remote job- a dream come true for me.
9. I speak more gently to myself.
10. Relationships- I had a few disagreements, which demonstrated to me that I am no longer attached to those people nor events, so I didn't take it personally. For the ones that I did take personally, it showed me a reflection of myself that I had to heal. I gained some new close friends and found like minded sisters in sacred circles . I learned to speak more openly for example about my feelings. And most importantly I found love...a divine connection!
11. I began dreamweaving- using elemental magic with sacred geometry in a sisterhood to manifest my dreams and work through limiting beliefs and challenges.
12. Attained mindfulness practitioner certificate.
13. Began NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Coaching certification.
14. A relationship that happened when I was not looking or expecting anything, and I flowed with it when it arrived. What I expected to experience did not happen. But, what I chose to feel, I felt, it was amplified...something that I could not even begin to imagine until I experienced it.
15. I lived in 6 different "homes" and spent the most time ever in nature- honouring what my body needed in those moments.
My word for 2020 is "SURRENDER". I learned to surrender more. To let go of what I cannot control. And have unwavering faith in a higher power.
2020 was an unprecedented year, but not a terrible year! It was different but good for me. Alright, I prefer the optimistic version. It presented me a new way of living and loving. Life is about perception. Perception is a choice. Therefore, I choose to view these past 12 months as a time of rest and healing for my body. It's the past, so on this exhale I lovingly release 2020. And say "hello" to 2021.
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