I remember the precise moment that I died. The air was crisp and still that morning on 17 November 2018. I was seated on a step of a staircase situated in the garden of a retreat centre in the countryside.
It took place sometime between 6:00-6:30am, I was oblivious to the actual time. I was crying so hard, uncontrollably, air barely reached my lungs, my body knotted with pain and a dark cloud hovering over me. I felt like I blanked out for a moment in time and then I was enveloped in an illuminating bubble of purple energy, which began as an electric sensation running from the top of my head travelling through my body removing the heaviness, anger, resentment, attachments and transmuting this negativity into something…immediately after that, I was in a foetus, surrounded in a womb of love. I remember this moment so vividly- I felt clarity, a sense of knowingness, lightness in my body and overwhelming love.
In my rebirth, I shattered my cognitive apparatus! No belief system, reborn as an infant with a clean slate! A new life, a new opportunity at age 40- a blessing indeed! I was brainwashed with lies, with beliefs and values that drew me away from my authenticity.
Today, filled with mixed emotions and tears in my eyes, I grieve the old me, but do not miss me. The me who was super sensitive, took everything personally, always striving for success. Success as defined by society- go to university, get a good job, buy a car and then a house, get married, have a child….work hard, contribute money to charitable associations, study further, dress appropriately when I leave the house, smile, always be pleasant, show respect at all times, worried what others thought of me... I was scared of rejection by my loved ones, work colleagues, my community, because I might not be good enough. I believed I lived in passion and empathy by giving to others selflessly.
In my rebirth, I shattered my cognitive apparatus! No belief system, reborn as an infant with a clean slate! A new life, a new opportunity at age 40- a blessing indeed! I was brainwashed with lies, with beliefs and values that drew me away from my authenticity.
My death was not sudden. I was dying slowly, day by day over a few years if I am to plot this on a timeline, it began in 2008 when I realized that there is more to life than the material items I own, because of no matter how much I accumulated I received no sense of satisfaction nor happiness. In late 2010, I learned that I had to stop blaming others for my failing relationships. In fact, no one was to blame. But, I did re-evaluate my part in it and all the times that I reacted as opposed to responding. Let me share an example with you if my ex-husband was irritable and yelled at me, even though I was at peace a few moments before that I reacted by yelling. I was not mindful of my thoughts. I did not accept my crappy well-being, even though my financial prosperity was good, my health was dipping downwards due to my negative emotional well-being. I was in a vicious cycle or so I thought. In late 2010, gravity drew me to the ground and kept me captive for a long time. One night I was journaling, and I recall, that I was on the floor of my TV room crying so hard. I was unable to breathe, asking myself why am I here, why should I live, why should I continue this physical manifestation because spiritually I knew that I am matter and this is a stopover. My soul will continue without a body in a place of pure love. So, I rationalized why to stay here in a position of pain and misery. A voice told me to acknowledge my loved ones, the lives I have assisted and that “you are here to learn and grow”. I guess that this was my defining moment in taking responsibility for myself.
This story of my journey until my death is for another day. Today, I would like to share my experience since my death.
I am still in a womb, growing…so I have made a conscious decision to take care of myself as if I was pregnant with me. I learned very quickly that I didn’t know how to do that. When I set the intention to do so, help appeared in different forms from people who were just acquaintances to energy healers, books, articles and YouTube videos. I followed my gut feeling, my intuition, I didn’t judge it, I only allowed myself to have those experiences, and things automatically fell into place as if there was a higher divine power at play.
Yes, there were mornings where I awoke from a full night’s rest feeling as if I was hungover from a night of massive consumption of alcohol, but I did not touch a drop of alcohol nor any meds, it was me experiencing energetic shifts. There were days that I cried for no reason, many fears surfaced, aspects of my life that didn’t serve me any longer leapt into my conscious mind, I felt sad…grieving like today. But, most days were happy, excited learning about the new me, and just being me. So, it has not been all sunshine and rainbows. It was these challenging times that encouraged me to take further care of myself. It was simple but not easy.
These are a few points:
I am enough- written on a post-it at my work desk, on all my mirrors at home, on my cellphone screen saver. Hacking my mind.
Gentle exercises like yoga, so I got myself a private Yoga teacher who comes to my home. This doesn’t allow me to back out of a session if I just don’t feel like lit, I learn the correct way and quicker too due to the individual focus.
Dressing well, or should I say more feminine and leaving my hair down. I found that this gives me more confidence. But not doing it, if I don’t feel like it.
Accepting my feelings and emotions by crying if need be and not masking my feelings but sharing in a loving manner- yes, this takes courage, so I take a deep breath, remind myself that I am a powerful being and express myself with intent.
Lathering my body with lotion to prevent dry skin and telling my body, I like you.
Eye test, something that I ignored because I was always too busy. Time is a conscious decision where we choose to prioritize so now I no longer put my health last.
Healthy eating- this involves planning and preparation which I make time to do and do it with love for myself.
Eating in moderation- eating only if hungry, eating my meal over a minimum of fifteen minutes which allows me to savour the taste, enjoy the meal, and my body to note that it is fed.
Stopping self-criticism by being mindful of my thoughts, for example, I may ask myself why did you say that, you should think before you speak. I replace it “I am enough, I followed my intuition and said what was needed to be told”.
Time for mediation- for me, it is all or nothing so I would not meditate if I could not practice for at least 1 hour, now even if I have just 10-15 minutes free time to meditate, I will do so resulting in me practicing daily, and I find that I am more at peace.
Learning that time is a choice, so there is no such thing as no time for me. It is about prioritizing, and I am the most critical thing in my life.
Brushing my hair gently and mindfully.
Applying my facial cream by massaging it into my skin slowly, and not just as a regular routine that I rush and do for the sake of doing it.
Creating boundaries in my relationships by being assertive and saying what needs to be said from a heart space. And then making a commitment to myself to follow through by not allowing that boundary line to fall when I feel the communication is uneasy.
Do what my heart desires- I dance, learning photography, planned some travelling, creative writing, drumming, trip on a helicopter, hiking, watching sunsets….whatever I wanted to do but never did!
Aahh, and this has been connecting my Mind, Body and Spirit in harmonious bliss. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. So, I live from moment to moment. But, now I know that I am walking on the pathway to the authentic me…I am going home.
You are responsible for you. Dare to live your truth! Be a Manifestar.
The Wayshower
Gits Singh
©2019 Gits Singh
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